Am I living or just alive?

One of the questions in a queue which I ask almost everyday to own-self.The question that haunts me first after I wake up in the morning & the time lying on the bed at night,just about to sleep.The question that sometimes snatches away night's dream,making me restive & sometimes gifts a sound sleep as well.
Sometimes,as the question arise,the heart wispers blissfully,"Yes!"& this oftenly happens when things I want to achieve, or loves to do either gets executed or can be visualize the way to achieve.It may also happens when I have stepped a stride ahead or by doing what gives a soulful bliss.
Whereas,mostly,the answer of my question comes as a big NO,"you are just alive."I just either have no source to fulfill or reach up to my big dreams or the path,on which moving will help me to reach towards my goal boldly,is just wage.If that is the situation,it really feels dull pessimistic lethargic depressed while starting the morning,totally with unenthusiastic&cold beginning completely like formality or custom instead of charm.
Though,I believe that just I'm not the only one but maximum population are alive just living on the set pattern build by the society of 9-5 jobs,or doing engineering or medical.Very few are exceptions in the criteria,breaking the ice&running after/pursuing what their heart says & I truly believe that they are the most lucky ones.Though,I understand,my time of chasing my dreams & attaining it is not over,but inspite of this, the reason of my worry & restlessness is that wage path which I don't even know where leads to.Is it really leads to the destination I want to reach or just ends no where,which end up making me feel helpless more & more day by day.
Moreover,negative energy surrounds me then, sometimes making me feel caged in the prison. Prohibiting from independent&carefree flight,high in the sky.Suffocates me,whenever a thought of'what next,how to achieve it,which way to opt',arises as society doesn't provide one with too much time to prove oneself & the sand of time is eluding from my fist.
While looking on those,who are living their life,doing what their heart says&enjoying it to the fullest,endup invoking envy feeling.
-Fauzia Afreen