The greatest fear of mine

Fear, I guess, an absolutely common feeling bared by all. Everyone, if honestly assess, fears from something or the other, & so do I. Honestly speaking, I fear from many things in life,(butterflies, cockroaches, of becoming fat, from failing, of not achieving my goals, of not making my parents proud instead breaking their expectations....)but the thing that really tears me apart & make me shunned for a moment is the fear of separation (either partly or absolute). Losing someone close to my heart( my parents, browny, whitu & an unrevealable  name). Yup I agree, the list doesn't include friend's-list but sorry, unfortunately neither i'm a good friend, nor a person who is rewarded with a real partner in crime.
Exclude it!
May be, this is not just my fear & can be of many too but the thought for a fraction of a second really ends up making a chaos deep inside the soul. It typically forces to think, the life without them or even one of them will end up to what? The thought really becomes graver that the self-death. I end up praying for my own extinction before the grim & sage loss.
The thought doesn't just stays back here, but by moving forward it makes me thinks about those who have lost their most near & dear ones, would what really feels like? End up making me a little fortunate.
The separation or permanent loss, made a concrete home inside, after the death of my grandma(dadda)specially. Before I knew what it must be like of but after facing it understood it's real meaning. The meaning in which one doesn't ever returns back, the one is never ever seen by you & you know it. Separation partly also has its own pain but with a hope that someday or the other you will surely can meet but in this context the concept is totally reverse.
I really don't want to think all this, but unfortunately can't stop visualizing it which continuously revolves around my head specially while doing something wrong( as my according losing any special one will surely be a punishment from Allah to me).
Well! I would really love to share this part too, the moment they are my weakness, the same time they are my strength too. They, the reasons for my moral support, reason to life as well as reason for my better akhiraah(life after death on dooms day)
Lastly, I pray to Allah, please forgive me or else punish me in some other easy ways, but don't ever in my worst dreams part them away from me till I survives. Ameen, Summa Ameen
-Fauzia Afreen